If I didn’t have ten packs of gum on me, I wouldn’t have any.
My name is Seth.
Wow, let’s take a moment to review the kind of craziness and non-sensities about our favorite addiction.
Lost time, money and memories to name a few. “How did we get here and who are you?” Are quick and common observations of such actions but there is the after. The way after when we finally stop participating in said activities.
What one does not hear about is that your mind goes completely blank and I mean blank like an empty space when you begin recovery. How one thinks, remembers and interprets information from that point on is very different than before.
Don’t confuse before with being anything productive. After all, we were intoxicated. Now that we are not, we find ourselves mindless. Just incase anyone is wondering, No we are not the happy go lucky smiley bunch. Obviously, before someone became an alcoholic/addict they were a##holes to begin with.
Now that we are recuperating from our debauchery we find that we don’t know how to do much else. All we talk about is not doing what we did before. That’s it.
There is an aside here and this is where I insert the word/term “structure”. This is essentially the architecture of ones habits over time. It sounds good but seriously, what am I structuring?
I wake up, go to the gym.”look for a job” and there is something to be said about that; and go to aa meetings all night. Also, I am unemployed and homeless. One would think that this would be a spring board for some coarse of action. But with little if any social skills and a mental disorder that is compounding with symptoms as we speak, where can I go and what could I do that would be more productive than typing on a computer to job listings that really are a computer automated response and searching for a place of residence that is above any price tag that I can meet.
I want to say time passed me by but the truth is I never had a handle on time to begin with. Everyone I have met is a paper cut out of some magazine that turned into a picture on a social media website. Where does this go?..
Acting…maybe I am just crazy.
I have spent most/all of my life acting. Differently and the same. I behave differently around different people and places. How do you want to see me?.. [I have acted for so long, that I don’t know how to act]
I don’t know. I have never ‘really’ seen my reflection.
The most common response I have received is the a##hole. A drunken childish fool that knows little about anything. Now that that has been revealed, in the past and understood, I can put him to rest, dead. Everybody knows him and nobody likes him, not even us.
So this is where we are.
We are a group of people. You think you know us, we think…perhaps. How do you want to look at me? That is just a ‘trick’ question. We were just asking. That’s all. Just asking. After all we only take our consideration seriously, see ‘worth inquiry’. Everyone else’s thoughts is like a color that splashes off another person, like the reflection off a surface. It is ok, we understand.
Like walking through a forrest of smoke and mirrors. Look at this…just saying. Don’t take us personally, we don’t.
Let’s take off the mask.
There is another mask. More like a color shifting to another color. You don’t need to figure us out, it’s not like that’s what we are doing. Do you really want to know what is inside our heads?.. We’ll tell you later.
Like a curtain lifting to another stage, or mirror, or…
How do we think of us?..
There’s a thought?